God in the Midst of Chaos

Posted on by thechristiantechnerd

God, I am furious tonight. Not at You—no, never at You—but at this world that is broken, at circumstances that are relentless, at people who hurt without thinking twice. My soul is screaming, and I can barely sit still. I feel like I’m drowning, gasping for understanding in waters that never stop rising. Yet here I am, writing to You because You are the only one who makes sense in this mess.

I think about Joseph tonight, because how else do I keep from losing it completely? Genesis 47: “Now there was no bread in all the land; for the famine was very severe, so that the land of Canaan languished because of the famine.” No bread. No relief. Complete chaos. Joseph faced a famine that could have destroyed everything he knew, and yet he didn’t crumble. He didn’t curse the heavens. He said to his brothers: “God sent me before you to preserve life. For these two years the famine has been in the land, and there are still five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. And God sent me before you.”

And God sent him. God sent him. Before the famine even touched the land, before the hunger and fear and suffering began, God was already there. Why, then, do I feel like I am the only one standing in the middle of fire without armor? Why does it feel like everyone else has a map and I’m stumbling blind? I rage, God—not at You—but at the injustice of it all, the way life twists its knife and tests faith with cruelty.

Psalm 34:19 haunts me tonight: “Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.” And yet, I feel battered, bruised, and sometimes abandoned. My patience is raw, frayed. I cry and pray and sometimes feel like I am screaming into a void. Help me, God, not to let this anger turn into bitterness. Let it drive me closer to You, not push me away. Let it sharpen my vision so I can see You in the middle of the storm.

I am tired of feeling powerless. I hate feeling powerless. I hate that I have to wait, watch, and hope while everything around me collapses. I want to shake the heavens and demand justice, demand clarity, demand relief. And yet, I will not curse Your timing. I will not trade faith for fury, even if the fury feels justified. Teach me to channel this anger, God, into fierce, unrelenting trust. Let me be bold in my petitions, raw in my prayers, and unwavering in my belief that You are not silent.

Lord, I confess I often recite my woes faster than I declare Your greatness. I am quick to narrate my fears but slow to proclaim Your faithfulness. Forgive me, Father. Teach me to shout Your glory over the chaos. Let my mouth speak heaven’s truth louder than my heart beats with panic.

I want to be like Joseph. I want to see the famine, the heartbreak, the betrayal, and still say, “God sent me before this. God is here. God will outlive this.” I want to hold that certainty in my chest while the storm tries to tear it away. I want to rage against the evil, cry against injustice, and still stand firm because You, Lord, are unshakeable.

Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Very present. Not maybe, not later, not if I’m lucky—very present. And yet, I wrestle with the silence sometimes. I scream into my pillow, throw my hands to the sky, demand answers, and still You remain. Not absent. Not inattentive. Just…waiting for me to trust.

I am angry, Lord. I am frustrated. I am afraid. And I am faithful. My heart is raw, but it is Yours. I will not turn away. I will not whisper quietly while my faith crumbles in the background. I will roar in prayer. I will challenge the darkness with my cries. I will cling to You with teeth gritted, fists clenched, and soul unbroken.

Teach me to walk through this chaos with fire in my heart. Let my anger become courage. Let my frustration fuel persistence. Let my despair sharpen my faith. Let me remember that the famine, the pain, the brokenness—they do not define me. You do. You define me. You precede me. You outlive this.

So tonight, God, I surrender all my anger, all my confusion, all my trembling, and I place it in Your hands. Let me speak life over the chaos. Let me declare Your purpose over the pain. Let me see You in the famine, in the betrayal, in the sleepless nights. I will not lose sight of You, Lord. Even when I rage, even when I cry, even when I feel abandoned—I will not lose sight of You.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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Published by thechristiantechnerd

22 year old college student! 100% Christian,! Will ALWAYS be a woman of FAITH. And my friends call me the "The Christian Tech Nerd" because I was hired by a very successful tech company in Silicon Valley, and I turned them down to be close to my family!

18 thoughts on “God in the Midst of Chaos”

  3. I hear you Nerd. Your words accurately paint the picture of what is in your heart. Jesus said, “For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks”. I also know your pain from having experienced it for all of my life. What I hear you say from your heart is that you are alone. Your friends, family, church members – none of them are like you. So even in a crowd of people you are alone. You are one of a kind. At least among the people who you have known or seen in your 25 years on earth, you are an oddity and unlike everyone else. That in itself is a blessing. It means that God has chosen you to be his own special daughter. Ever since God took the blindness from my eyes in 1993, I have been entirely alone, and extremely lonely. I have cried to God, and brought accusations against him, I am sorry to say. Why did he open my eyes to see, when he did not open anyone else’s eyes to see? The disciples of Jesus had other disciples to be with them. They were not alone. But here’s the catch. ALL OF THE DISCIPLES HAD THEIR SPIRITUAL EYES, AND UNDERSTANDING OPENED BY JESUS. They believed and understood the very same things, and they obeyed the commands that Jesus Christ gave to them TOGETHER. You are all alone, as I also am all alone. It sucks, it’s horrible, but we can learn to accept it and deal with it until Father God answers our prayers and sends someone who is like to us, and then we will be alone no more. Christianity was never meant to be lived alone. But today to the extremely few people who have been given eyes to see, they of necessity have to be alone. Go to church if you like, but none of the people there will be like you. They will want you to conform and to be like they are. But how can you pretend to be blind when God has opened your spiritual eyes and you see? This is the only proof I have that God does love me. It is in the fact that I have spiritual eyes that see the truth, and no matter what I do, or do not do, my eyes can still see the truth. I still have hope for a fellow disciple someday. I have God’s personal promise to me for the wife of his choice who has eyes to see the truth just as I can see the truth. I have his promise of Becky, Rachel, and Peter who will be my children one day after I marry, and my wife and I produce them together. I also now have his promise for a new life in St. Kitts and Nevus, where the people love each other like a big family. Where everyone who goes there confesses that it is so peaceful. To a house on a hill that has the view of the ocean on one side, and the volcano view on the other side. Warm weather all year long, and amazing beaches with clear Caribbean Sea water. All of the wicked, evil, things in the USA left behind for a paradise on earth. No personal income taxes, citizenship given with the purchase of this house, a passport that allows visa free travel to over 150 countries. Also the promise from God to me personally, that is not at all impossible to God in the Old Testament where he actually promises this. That is his promise that my body shall be rejuvenated to 24 years of age, enabling me to have a young, strong body in order to do the work that he has prepared for me to do. With an old infirmed body I cannot do this work. So do not give up hope Nerd. God has a plan for your life. He will reveal it to you when his time has arrived for him to show his will and his plan to you. One day you will wake up to a new life, the one Father God has planned for you, and all that you are presently experiencing will be like a left over and mostly forgotten nightmare. Don’t lose your hope or your faith. All of this present darkness shall pass away soon.

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  5. Thank you for your rawness and vulnerability in your posts. It is the hardest thing to praise God when we are in dark moments. I just wanted to drop an encouraging comment to let you know you are not alone in these thoughts, and God hears you. “My heart is raw, but it is Yours,” says it all to me in your post. Thanks for sharing!

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  6. We had a thunderstorm with violent winds two days ago that caused much destruction a few miles south of us and we received a much less violent wind. During that storm I watched from my office window as trees swayed violently and in a tree just opposite our unit sat two birds. The branch they were on was rocking violently but they just held on and waited for the calm to return soon to be chirping happily in returning sunlight. Why is it that animals have so much confidence God will be there for them and protect them despite the storms but we humans find that so difficult to grasp? Faith in our heavenly Father is so limited among humans and I learned a lesson from those birds. Despite the storms of life God has a rescue plan in place and that is an eternity with Him out of this world’s chaotic ending and the creation of a new sinless earth where no chaos will be permitted.

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